Talking to my pre-chemo self.
If I could speak to my pre-chemo self the first thing I would say is…
You’re going to be okay.
It is far easier said then done. I will openly admit I was absolutely petrified; more petrified in fact then having brain surgery. I said the week I started I would of taken walking into that hospital, alone, about to have my skull cut out any day over starting chemotherapy and I couldn’t handle it. Three days before starting Chemotherapy I pulled of treatment. I wasn’t going through. The anxiety surrounding it was intensified by the fact that, for the first time, I had a choice. Everything that occurred so far this year was completely out of my control. Spinal surgery, Cancer diagnosis, brain surgery, none of it I had a choice in. So when I was faced with the choice of chemotherapy or not, I completely lost my nerve.
Without going too science geek let me explain why I had a choice. My Cancer is Oestrogen positive, Progesterone positive and HER2 negative. At first we thought my luck might have come in and I could avoid Chemotherapy and take hormone treatment instead. This would involve blocking the hormones from being produced so unable to feed the cancer as it were. However, as part of my diagnostics I had an EndoPredict test done. An EndoPredict analyses the activity of 12 genes in breast cancer cells. These genes are linked to the likelihood that the cancer will spread to a part of the body away from the breast within 10 years after diagnosis. Now, we knew mine already had spread but it was a case of seeing the chance of it reoccurring and spreading further and also the effectiveness of chemotherapy. A number between 1.1 and 6.2 is used to predict these. An EPclin Risk Score higher than 3.3287 is interpreted as the cancer having a high risk of recurrence. An EPclin Risk Score lower than 3.3287 is interpreted as the cancer having a low risk of recurrence. My score came back as 4.6. I was in the higher bracket meaning that the change of reoccurrence was high and the chance of Chemotherapy being effective was too.
It wasn’t however that simple. My tumour is also unusual for my age in that the biopsy showed it is non-aggressive; the cells were not multiplying rapidly. This is a slight catch 22 because as great as it is being a non-aggressive tumour, it meant that Chemotherapy could act slower. So when I sat there Monday morning, the day before my 26th birthday, knowing I could be starting a treatment in three days time that could take all my hair, my health, my identity and may not even work I entered a very dark place. But as my Nurse Fleur talked me round and helped me to see the reason of why we should do this, I made the call and we proceeded as planned.
Everyone said the lead up to treatment was the worst part and they were all 100% spot on. Those three days leading to Chemo number 1 were the most terrifying, anxious filled days I had had. But if I could speak to my pre-chemo mind I would assure it to not be scared. You will not lose all your hair. You will not lose your health. It will be a tough ride and there will be bumps, tears, pain and discomfort but you will be okay. You will be able to train. You will be able to eat. You will be able to laugh and live. Chemotherapy isn’t what we see on the media. I believed I was going to be hairless, frail, vomiting everyday all day and unable to do anything. I am now 7 treatments in with 9 more to go and this week I trained 5 times, did 10,000 steps everyday, ate food I enjoy, laughed with my loved ones, got excited for Christmas and felt happy.
If you are starting Chemotherapy, have just started or in you’re in treatment and struggling to see out of the dark, tell yourself…
I’m going to be okay.
